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Sleep problems are common in the developing toddler. They range from problems going to sleep at night, to waking at night, and getting up too early. These problems are a normal part of development, and can be resolved in handled correctly.
Waking Because Of Discomfort
It is important to assess whether or not your toddler is waking because of discomfort. Is he teething? Is he ill or has he recently recovered from an illness? If so, then his immediate needs require being addressed. Once those needs are met, if he is usually a good sleeper, then he will eventually return to his normal sleep patterns.
Staying In Bed
This is a common problem in many households. In fact, over the years I've watched each employer I've had struggle with this issue of keeping their children in bed at night.
Establish a routine! It is so important to establish a comfortable nighttime routine that becomes familiar to the child. Allow time for him to settle down and calm his body. Begin immediately after dinner by giving him a bath, putting on his pajamas, combing his hair and brushing his teeth. Then allow him to watch a video, read books to him, or simply cuddle with him. Do not allow him to run around, drag out the toys, or be rambunctious! Insist that he remain calm. Fifteen minutes before bedtime, send him to the bathroom, and then tell him to get in bed. Allow him to take a sippy cup of water to bed (no juice or milk). Prayers are in important part of some family routines. Be sure to say something like, "I want you to stay in your bed. If you get out of bed, I am not going to talk with you. I will bring you back to your bed and put you back in it." Then give him a kiss on the cheek, tell him you love him, and then it is lights out.
If he is like most children, you will soon hear the pitter patter of little feet. This is where most parents and caregivers get it wrong. Do not engage in conversation with him (assuming there is no dire emergency). Silently and calmly walk him back to his room, put him in the bed and leave. You may have to do this twenty times a night (or more) for the first week or so.
Do not fret! Eventually he will begin to stay in his bed. It takes commitment on the caregiver's part to teach healthy sleep habits to a small child. Granted, it is so much easier to just let him fall asleep in front of the TV and then carry him to his room and put him in the bed. However, it is in his best interest to help him develop health sleep habits that carry into adulthood!
I have found that with some children, it is helpful to have a special toy or blanket that is only associated with "going to sleep" time. This may be a soft blanket, favorite Teddy Bear, or a glow-in-the-dark Care Bear.
Waking Up At Night
Even children with healthy sleep patterns may go through periods where they start waking up at night. I have noticed that this often happens when they are entering a new development stage, such as learning to talk. For example, a two year old that I nannied for began waking up and wanting to talk about anything and everything as his skills progressed. If a new skill is the cause of night waking, then it will probably correct itself.
Some toddlers wake up at night wanting to eat. If this is the case, then they are long overdue for being weaned from night feedings. Do not give them milk or juice to drink in bed. only water. Chances are they will not drink it all before going to sleep, so if they wake up thirsty, they will still have their drink. Make sure that they get plenty to eat during the day and keep meals on a schedule.
Avoid crutches! Lying down with a child who wakes up during the night gives him a crutch to get him back to sleep. It is important to teach him to put himself to sleep. If you put him down at night with a soft blanket or a favorite teddy bear, then when he wakes up at night, he can use that as a comfort and fall back asleep.
If waking up at night continues to be a problem, then consider reducing his nap times during the day. It may be that he has entered a stage where he only needs one nap a day instead of two. He may only need a one hour nap instead of a two hour nap. Reduce naps 15 minutes at a time until he is sleeping through the night. Another route is to move his bedtime back 15 minutes at a time until he is able to sleep at night.
Waking Up Too Early
This sleep problem can often be corrected with one simple change: make the room darker. This can be done with dark shades/blinds or by hanging heavy drapes on the windows. If the sun is shining in his room early each morning, then he is going to think it is time to get up!
If he continues to get up, then you may consider gating off his room and leaving safe toys for him to play with until the rest of the family is up. You do not want a wandering toddler in the house when everyone is asleep. This could be very dangerous!
I have found that children who get up early often start sleeping later when they begin preschool. Perhaps this is because they are getting a lot of physical activity during the day which makes them want to sleep longer.
Never Tired
If your child never seems tired, and illness has been ruled out, then chances are he is not getting enough stimulation during the day. A routine needs to be established and physical play needs to be encouraged. It may help to cut or reduce daytime naps and reduce sugar intake.
Fear of Monsters
All children go through periods where they are afraid of monsters. Toddlers do not yet have the ability to distinguish between reality verses fantasy, and monsters are very real to them. It is important to never ridicule a child for his fears! Encourage him to talk about his fears and listen to him with sincerity!
A simple way to handle this fear is to go into his room alone after dark, lay down in his bed with the lights out and look around with a child's eyes. Do you notice shadows on the wall? Does the street light look eerie coming through the windows? Does the coat stand look like a monster? Once you see his room through a child's eyes, you will be able to make adjustments to that his room is more comfortable at night. Playing a soothing CD can help him sleep. Sometimes heavy blinds reduce shadows from outside. A nightlight can work wonders, especially if you take him shopping to pick it out himself.
I recently purchased a special flashlight for a two-year old who is "scared of monsters". It is a dinosaur flashlight. The dinosaur's mouth opens at the press of a button (the flashlight is in the mouth) and makes a big roaring sound. The thought is that the dinosaur's roar will scare off any monsters. He is now able to sleep with his flashlight "friend", and if he wakes up and is afraid, he has it right there with him.
Keeping a routine, even during this difficult time, is especially important. Consistency is key. If you change his routine, that may aid his fears. However, if you keep doing the same thing and show him there is nothing to be afraid of, he will be closer to sweet dreams and healthy sleep habits!
Jennie Krogulski is a Parent Coach, a Professional Career Nanny, the owner of Hilton Head Nannies - Babysitting Service and National Nanny Placement Agency, a Columnist, a Freelance Writer, and the Founder & President of The Professional Nanny Association. She is a nationally recognized expert in the nanny industry and has been called on by media nationwide.
There are seasons in life that are more difficult than others, but it can be said that the harshest seasons of all are those that bring with them death. It matters not how death comes, whether with forewarning or without, we are never ready to say goodbye to the ones we love. Death is the most painful form of loss we will ever experience, and while life experiences help prepare us for loss, the work of grief is never easy.
Grieving is especially hard on children, because unlike adults who have former experiences to teach them how to process grief, children have few life experiences and are not prepared. Younger children are not able to complete thought processes about death and are therefore unable to verbalize them. They rely heavily on the adults in their life to help them through the confusion and disorganization that follows the death of someone they love. Much about a child's understanding of the loss depends on the developmental stages of the child and the depth of the loss. It is these developmental stages in mind that we are able to better understand the grief children experience.
DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES OF THE GRIEVING CHILD
Infants
An infant does not recognize death, but he will have a sense of separation and loss from the person who is normally there. Infants are incredibly perceptive to the moods and atmosphere around them, and while his depth of understanding is limited, he will need reassurance from caregivers.
Toddlers
Toddlers, up to age three, are aware of death, but may view the deceased as sleeping. A child may relate the death to sleep and think that the person will become alive again, just as one awakes from sleep. There is also a tendency with children of this age group to think that the person they loved is away on a long trip and will be back soon. Some children have even waited each day by the window for their loved one to come. Children of this age group may need to be told many times, gently and kindly, that the deceased is not coming back.
Four to Six Year Olds
Four to six year olds will have a small understanding of what death means. However, they often do not understand how it fits in with their lives and their future. A child of this age may understand that Grandma is gone, but he doesn't yet realize that it means Grandma won't be able to attend his birthday party next month or play games with him tomorrow. Children in this age group can easily become afraid of death. Fear of other loved ones dying is often an issue as is the belief that death is contagious.
Seven to Ten Year Olds
Seven to ten year olds have a much better grasp on death and may have experienced the death of another loved one or of a beloved pet. Children of this age group often have intense fears of their caregivers or other family members dying too. A recent death will bring up fear and the realization that other loved ones will die one day as well.
Pre-teens and Teens
Preteens and teens have a clear understanding of what death is, but, like adults, they may also go through an initial stage of denial. It is common for children in this age group to refuse to admit or deal with emotions that are lurking just under the surface. While it helps in all cases, it is especially wise to obtain grief counseling for a child of this age group.
TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT A TERMINAL ILLNESS
The impact of a terminal illness on a family is significant. Often, long term care is provided by the immediate family and it is normal for exhaustion, depression, and frustration to set in. It is not uncommon for family members to face conflict with each other during this time, which adds further strains the family as a whole.
All of these sudden changes in the structure of the family are confusing for children. Caregivers should speak openly with children about the illness so that they understand what is happening to their loved one. Children should be informed of the illness and the prognosis as well as given the opportunity to ask questions. It may be counterproductive to the grief process to prohibit the children from seeing the sick family member. After all, in circumstances of a drawn out terminal illness, the grief process starts long before death occurs.
COMMUNICATING WITH CHILDREN ABOUT THE DEATH
Often, well meaning adults will shelter children from the pain of the loss. This sheltering can occur in many ways, such as circumventing discussions about the deceased, denying that the deceased is really gone, avoiding activities that the deceased usually took part in, and even saying the deceased is "just away on a long trip". This sheltering can confuse and even stunt the healing of children in the long run.
We cannot always protect our children from tears and sadness. The process of healing begins when the pain of death is first inflicted. It is necessary for your child to know the truth so that he can begin to process the loss and the emotions that come with it.
The verbal child, upon learning about the death of a loved one, will have a lot of questions as his mind tries to wrap around what you are telling him. Strive to create an atmosphere where the child is comfortable asking questions. As you answer questions and communicate with him, death will become less scary. Refusing to talk about what happened or the attempt to shelter him from the harsh reality of death will only make death more frightening and confusing. Adults should be straightforward and honest with their children about what has happened.
Younger children are not always able to put their thought processes into words. Caregivers can help them verbalize their feelings by getting down to eye level with them and using questions such as "You really miss Grandpa don't you?", or "Are you sad because Aunt Sue isn't here for your party?" as discussion starters.
Because they are grieving too, it is very easy for adults to get caught up in their own bereavement and be unaware of how the affected children are coping. It is important to initiate conversations with the children. Purposefully bring up the deceased in conversations. One of the best gifts you can give them during this time is to be honest with them about your own grief. This opens the door for them to talk about how they are feeling and increases forward movement in the grief process.
THE DEATH OF A SIBLING
Children who lose a sibling to death are more vulnerable to feeling guilt over the loss. Older children, in particular, will wonder why their sibling died instead of them. Sometimes, guilt occurs due to the surviving child's struggle with feelings of inadequacy and jealousy, as the deceased sibling is often idealized. Parents can be proactive in protecting their surviving children from this additional distress by spending quality time alone with each child and focusing solely on his or her needs.
FUNERAL AND RELIGIOUS SERVICES
While you should never force a child to attend a funeral or memorial service, it is age appropriate for him to attend when he expresses a desire to go. As death becomes understood as permanent, participation in services and religious activities will help with closure, much as it helps a grieving adult.
Though caregivers find it alarming, it is not unusual for children to reenact the funeral service because children typically act out their feelings in play. It is important to allow children to role play in this manner. Refrain from discouraging or scolding a child who does this, as this is his way of processing his feelings.
FEARS TO BE AWARE OF
Younger children tend to take death personally. Because children relate bad things to bad behavior, a grieving child may think that the loved one's passing is his fault. He may believe, for example, that anger toward or bad thoughts about a loved one caused the death. The younger child will need reassurances that the death isn't his fault.
In addition to fearing the death of other loved ones, children may also question the possibility of their own death. Children should be assured that the likeliness of that happening is very small.
OUTWARD SIGNS OF INWARD TURMOIL
Adults do not have the strength to deal with all the emotions that come with the loss of a loved one at one time. After an initial period of denial, we process our loss in bits and pieces. The grief ebbs and flows. At one moment, the pain may seem overwhelming, and at another, it is held at bay, just off the shore.
Grieving is much the same with children. However, the key difference is that they lack the strength and coping skills to deal the intensity of the pain. The result is that the pain manifests itself physically and behaviorally.
It is not unusual for very young children to revert back to an earlier developmental stage. For example, a child who slept through the night may begin waking during early hours again. A four year old may go back to sucking his thumb or become more possessive of objects. A toddler who walks may go back to crawling. A verbal child may begin talking like a baby again, or refrain from talking at all. Other common symptoms of inner turmoil in children include: trouble controlling their bladders or bowels, temper tantrums, inconsolable crying, change of appetite, trouble sleeping, stomachache, headache, aggression, clinginess, behavioral issues, school problems, and concentration difficulties.
Caregivers should be aware that behavioral issues occur when children are overtired, in public, or in highly stressful atmospheres, as that is when they feel the loss the most. Children rarely are cognizant of the connection between the loss they have suffered and negative behavior. Though the caregiver is likely worn down and going through difficult emotions as well, it is critical that the grieving child be shown grace, compassion, patience, and a lot of extra love.
THINGS CAREGIVERS SHOULD DO
Caregivers should see that the grieving child spends time outside in the sunshine each day. It is vital that both the grieving caregiver and child get enough rest, proper nutrition, and exercise. In addition, the grieving child should have a regular routine, as routines help children feel secure in their environment. Most importantly, openly express genuine affection.
Speak frequently about the deceased. Look at pictures and talk about favorite memories. Encourage talk about feelings. In fact, share how you feel. When the emotion comes, cry. Tears are a gift, not a sign of weakness. They have a purpose and that is to help cleanse the soul.
THE LENGTH OF BEREAVEMENT
For adults and children alike, bereavement knows no time frame. The process can continue for years, though the intensity usually lessons over time. It is always wise, and in some cases necessary, to consult with a child psychologist or grief counselor who can walk you through this season of bereavement.
Jennie Krogulski is a Parent Coach, a Professional Career Nanny, the owner of Hilton Head Nannies - Babysitting Service and National Nanny Placement Agency, a Columnist, a Freelance Writer, and the Founder & President of The Professional Nanny Association. She is a nationally recognized expert in the nanny industry and has been called on by media nationwide.
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